The Introspective Intern: Secret No More

By Emily Tugwell

So, I’m at a loss for words this week.

By saying that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything to say about my internship at Boston Court. It means, more or less, that I don’t know what to write about or how to convey my experiences and feelings to all of you (all five of you, that is).

What it comes down to is this: it’s hard to have something interesting to write about every week, or it is in my case at least. Who knows, maybe I’m just not very creative. Writing these posts just sometimes feels similar to some kind of homework assignment, which though small, is daunting nonetheless. After all, there is no real prompt. There is no life saver, no path, no silver thread to follow in terms of a specific subject. I am floating in a sea of words, of written possibilities, and at this very moment, I feel like I’m slowly starting to sink beneath the surface. A little dramatic and clichéd, I know, but I’m not sure how else to phrase it.

And when I think deeper about how I feel writing these posts, it eventually leads me back to the conclusion that I have reached so many times before… I am afraid of words. I am afraid of creating something out of all those words that are continuously floating around in the world, just waiting to be plucked from the air and strung together in some wondrous, interesting, and creative way. And ultimately, considering this fear of words, leads me to my greatest fear: FAILURE. The word alone scares me so much that I feel the need to put it in all caps when I type it out. Basically, when I set out to write something, and it can honestly be anything, I become terrified that whatever I create will be so blatantly awful, so dull, or so badly written that I end up not writing it (Unless of course, it’s an essay. Then I pull an all-nighter.). I literally just drop the pen or close my laptop and walk out of whatever room I happen to be occupying.

And I have had this fear for years. Yes, I know, so far I sound like I want a pity party held in my honor, but that’s not the point of this post. The point is this: I feel that my fear is finally starting to fade away. After a year surrounded by many talented and creative people at NYU (you know who you are), I had begun warming up to the idea of becoming my own creative being. And now, at Boston Court, I share the same space with countless talented individuals. Producers, directors, actors, writers, playwrights, various designers. They all occupy the same space that I do… and seeing them create and perform is really starting to have an effect on me. When I watch them, I realize that I, for a serious lack of the right phrase, wanna piece a that! I want to create something too!! Honestly, watching everyone at Boston Court has really lit a metaphorical fire under my ass. I’ve finally come to realize that it doesn’t matter if what I create isn’t amazing. It can and will get better if I’m willing to work at whatever project I set my mind to. I just have to actually DO it. Now is the time to step away from my role of observer and become a creator.

And guess what? I’ve thought up the first scene for a play. And I have a few ideas for a couple of short stories. Admitting you have a problem really is the first step to overcoming it.

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